Funny and tragic.

www.palinaspresident.com

Thanks Uy and Amber.

Even more frightening, the report says, is that their votes count just as much as yours.

Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy


The Onion puts it so succinctly.

"While you are 100 percent certain that your preferred candidate's stance on issues such as foreign policy and the economy would appeal to any human being with half a brain, there is, in this very same country, an equally large voting bloc which believes that you and your candidate of choice are absolutely insane," the report's co-author Dr. Mark Grier said during a press conference. "Every single thing you love about your candidate's personality, vice presidential pick, and family, 60 million other registered voters absolutely deplore."

Ha!

I've got lots more to say about Palin, but we'll just start with this clever graphic for now. (Thanks Caroline!)

The Onion on Bob Barr

This profile was pretty hilarious. Key excerpt:


Issues:
(1995–2007) Trying to control the faith, sexuality, reproduction, drug use, and national allegiance of every single American.
(2007–) Aw, Fuck it.

With apologies to my marketeering friends...

World's Worst Person Decides To Go Into Marketing

*from The Onion

Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

Rumor has it...

As a response to the slew of viral e-smears that have been circulating the internet, a Slate writer comes up with his own e-mail filled with the sorts of goodies all proper Americans want to hear about Barack Obama. Some excerpts:

Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

CYOA for adults

This book does look pretty hilarious.

Product Description (courtesy of Amazon)

Why Do All the Nice Girls End Up Getting Kidnapped and Held for Ransom?

In this book, YOU, the reader, are a thirtysomething part-time actor/full-time waiter suddenly caught up in a kidnapping. Julia, the girl you went out with last night, has been TAKEN HOSTAGE. What will you do? Will you go to the police and ask for help? Will you burst into the hideout, killing everyone in sight, then tell Julia that she shouldn’t misinterpret this as some sort of big commitment? Or will you unplug your phone and just get really, really drunk? The choice is yours!

You awake to the sound of the phone ringing.
“Hello?”
You hear a man’s voice. It is muffled. “We’ve got Julia.”
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“We have kidnapped your girlfriend. If you ever want to see her again---”
“Whoa, she’s not my girlfriend,” you say. “I just met her. I mean, I had a good time with her and all, but I wanna take it slow with this one, I think.”
“We understand,” the voice says. “But she’s new to the city, and presently, you’re all she has. Give us fifty thousand dollars by tomorrow or we’ll blow her head off.”

If you want to go and ask your parents if you can borrow fifty thousand dollars, go to page 173.

If you want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend, consider getting back together with her, then think better of it, go to page 183.

BE VERY CAREFUL! You’re directing the story and the CHOICES you make can result in MURDER, GRADUATE SCHOOL ENROLLMENT, TORTURE, MARRIAGE, POST-APOCALYPTIC SLAVERY, UNWANTED PREGNANCY, even TEMPING! It’s YOUR STORY and YOUR LIFE. All you’ve got to do is decide which page you want to turn to. JUST MAKE A CHOICE!

Takes me back...

**From The Onion

Stolen Tour Bus Leads Police On Chase Of Historic Downtown Philadelphia

PHILADELPHIA—Police were led on a reckless, high-speed pursuit past more than a dozen of downtown Philadelphia's most historically fascinating locations Tuesday, when an armed assailant hijacked a tour bus full of elderly retirees visiting from Cincinnati. "The suspect took command of the vehicle at Chestnut Street, home to Philadelphia's famous Carpenter's Hall, where the First Continental Congress met, and then fled north in the southbound lane of Sixth Street towards the Liberty Bell," said police commissioner Charles H. Ramsey, adding that the driver would have gotten a great view of Independence Hall at sunset had he had not careened off Walnut Street at 45 mph. "He then led police past several Victorian homes, including Edgar Allen Poe's residence from 1838 to 1844, where he penned such classics as the 'The Pit and the Pendulum' and 'The Tell-Tale Heart.'" Police reports indicate the chase ended when the tour bus jumped a curb, slammed into a cheesesteak stand, and exploded in a ball of flames.

Stuff White People Like: Bumper Stickers

Though there is no conclusive evidence about the effectiveness of these stickers, white people show no signs of abandoning the campaign. In fact, there is a popular tale in white mythology that tells of an unenlightened man driving on the freeway who saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Subaru station wagon that said “Go Veg.” The sticker was so moving that he threw the hamburger he was eating right out the window and became a vegetarian on the spot. Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

Full post here. I've never understood the fascination myself, but then again, I don't drive a car. See entry #61 for a detailed description of how superior that makes me. ;-)

I don't know how I missed this one

Barack Obama Tiger Beat Cover Clinches Slumber Party Vote

Colbert takes on Bill O'Reilly's vintage Inside Edition meltdown

Honestly, I think everything about this is hilarious.

John McCain vowed that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by replacing the Secret Service with his own bare fists.

McCain Declines Secret Service, Dares Assassins To Try Something

We all know someone like this.

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor's bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and that his collarbone was fine.

Such a great idea.

So I popped a few of Blood, Sweat and Tears' greatest hits on my iPod. I'm notorious for planting musical boobytraps in my library since I'm such a fan of the shuffle. Anyway, whenever one of the BS&T songs comes on = instant smile because they are just hilarious. "And When I Die" has been a particularly stand-out track.

If it's peace you find in dying,
And if dying time is here,
Just bundle up my coffin'
Cause it's cold way down there.



Just bundle up my coffin...genius. Ha!

Slate imagines how Hillary could turn Springsteen's endorsement against Obama

So I'm a little late on this one, but still, found it funny enough to share post-primary.

Bikers for Obama piece on Bill Maher

Hilarious.

John Edwards on Colbert Report

I never knew he was so funny! Please consider VP, John...



This episode was fantastic (and all of them were filmed at UPenn's Annenberg Center this week). Other highlights: Barack Obama puts "distractions" on notice and Hillary Clinton fixes a screen.

Bicycles

Excerpts from the Stuff White People Like blog:

Bicycles

"And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.” Then give a thumbs up. That white person will ride home on a cloud."

Sarah Silverman

"WARNING: under no circumstances should you EVER list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you."